[His breaths start to feel heavier in his lungs the farther down Jason's mouth and hands move.]
I want ...
[You is all Tim can think, but that's not really what Jason's asking, is it. Jason's asking specifics and Tim doesn't really know what specifically he wants from Jason - hasn't been here like this before, not with another guy, and is suddenly left feeling self-conscious about his lack of experience. Mouth pressed into a frown, he slips a hand to the side of Jason's jaw.]
I don't really care what you do, Jason, I just want you to touch me. What - [he sucks in a quick, shallow breath] - what do you want most?
[ The fingers on his jaw encourage him on, he shifts enough to kiss the fingers before moving further down, no denying he's moving towards Tim's pants. Leaving kisses, and scraps of stubble along his path. When the question is asked, hes already feeling emotionally exposed, so he speaks without thought. ]
To be loved.
[ The words spoken in Russian of all things as he worked on kissing, he doubted he would ever truly be loved, but he could do this just fine. Sitting up enough to start undoing Tim's pants to try and get rid of that which is in his way.]
[Oh. That's - that's not even on the list of possible responses Tim's expecting to hear, and it's jarring enough to cut through the pleasurable sensations of Jason's mouth moving down his stomach.]
Jason ...
[As nice as this feels, it's time to apply the brakes. This is too important to have misunderstood. Tim reaches for Jason's hand with one of his own to call a halt to undoing his pants; the other brushes along Jason's face, coaxing him to look up at Tim as he pushes himself back up to sitting, mouth pursed in thought. Does he really not know?]
I already do. Don't you know that?
[Maybe he doesn't; it's not as if Tim's actually told him as much before. Maybe that was a mistake on Tim's part, assuming Jason would know. Maybe he should've said something before now.]
You don't have to do this to get me to love you - I've loved you for a long time.
[ Jason didn't expect Tim to understand, though he wasn't exactly shocked by that, he was more shocked by the breaks being put on. The hand on his face, was all that was needed for his eyes to lock on Tim's a deep pain rooted in them as he looked unsure.]
You cant say that, you don't know me. You knew an idea... you became that idea when I failed.
[ Years of victim blaming had done their damage, these days be believed he deserved what he got. Thanks Bruce.]
You didn't fail, Jason. You're not - you're not just an idea.
[Tim shakes his head, frowning. He sits up straighter on the bed, feet curled to the side, and slides a hand to rest along Jason's jaw.]
Maybe I don't know you as well as I want to, but that doesn't mean I don't know you at all. I know enough. I've watched you for years, and I know - I know how I feel about you. I love you, Jason.
[It feels weird, saying the words, after keeping that secret locked away inside his heart for so long - weird but right. Tim couldn't tear his eyes away from Jason now, even if he wanted to, and he doesn't. Slowly, gently, Tim traces his thumb over Jason's cheekbone.]
You're more than an idea to me, Jason. You always have been.
[ Jason closes his blue eyes to keep Tim from seeing striaght to his soul, as he tipped his head some into the hand against his jaw. He felt to raw laying himself out line this. Letting Tim see past the walls.
Jason's eyes only dared crack after Tim spoke the dreaded words... as much as he craved them, he felt like they were a curse. Lifting his hand over he pressed his finger against Tim's lips once he finished.]
Don't say that again... Don't use words like that lightly, words have power. Wait and see before you speak.
[ He spoke, his eyes almost burning and he hated it. He hated it so much.]
[Tim goes silent at Jason's request, brow furrowed as he listens to his words. What do I need to do, he thinks, to make him believe me? Both hands close around Jason's, gently folding his fingers down as he drops his head to brush his lips against Jason's knuckles, then turns his gaze back up to meet Jason's eyes, blue finding blue.]
Jason ... I'm serious as a heart attack. Do you really think I'd just say that? [He shakes his head.] I've seen all I need to know how I feel about you.
[If he's not fought, Tim will move in closer to Jason, aiming to pull him into a hug, holding tight. Maybe words aren't enough - maybe what Jason will need to believe Tim is to be shown the strength of his conviction.]
[ Jason stays silent his eyes watching Tim, waiting to see where the 'but' would come from... when none came, he didn't fight him, but he didnt speak. He just returned the hug and held him a little tighter than he intended to. He needed the grounding touch.]
[Touch is important; it provides a connection with others, reminds you that you're real. They've both been conditioned to expect violent touch, bruises that sting, proof of battles fought and either won or lost, but touch like this, warm and grounding, is much rarer. Tim's fingertips trace along Jason's hairline at the back of his skull as he rests his head against Jason's shoulder.]
It's OK - we can go slower. [Maybe Tim was pushing too hard, too fast - too eager to grab ahold of this thing he's wanted for so long.] Hey, why don't you order some breakfast for us? We can eat, maybe go back to sleep for a bit longer.
[He likes that, the idea of being entrusted with Jason’s secrets, especially when it’s something like this. Tim’s reluctant to let Jason go, but uses the necessary parting as an opportunity to slip to the bathroom, returning a few moments later with a gentle hand at Jason’s shoulder to silently announce himself. There’s no worse idea than sneaking up behind Jason - that’s a good way to get an elbow to the face.]
I’ll have to phone the concierge next, see if they can send up a sewing kit.
[It’s murmured into the side of Jason’s neck, followed with a kiss.]
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I want ...
[You is all Tim can think, but that's not really what Jason's asking, is it. Jason's asking specifics and Tim doesn't really know what specifically he wants from Jason - hasn't been here like this before, not with another guy, and is suddenly left feeling self-conscious about his lack of experience. Mouth pressed into a frown, he slips a hand to the side of Jason's jaw.]
I don't really care what you do, Jason, I just want you to touch me. What - [he sucks in a quick, shallow breath] - what do you want most?
no subject
To be loved.
[ The words spoken in Russian of all things as he worked on kissing, he doubted he would ever truly be loved, but he could do this just fine. Sitting up enough to start undoing Tim's pants to try and get rid of that which is in his way.]
no subject
Jason ...
[As nice as this feels, it's time to apply the brakes. This is too important to have misunderstood. Tim reaches for Jason's hand with one of his own to call a halt to undoing his pants; the other brushes along Jason's face, coaxing him to look up at Tim as he pushes himself back up to sitting, mouth pursed in thought. Does he really not know?]
I already do. Don't you know that?
[Maybe he doesn't; it's not as if Tim's actually told him as much before. Maybe that was a mistake on Tim's part, assuming Jason would know. Maybe he should've said something before now.]
You don't have to do this to get me to love you - I've loved you for a long time.
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You cant say that, you don't know me. You knew an idea... you became that idea when I failed.
[ Years of victim blaming had done their damage, these days be believed he deserved what he got. Thanks Bruce.]
no subject
[Tim shakes his head, frowning. He sits up straighter on the bed, feet curled to the side, and slides a hand to rest along Jason's jaw.]
Maybe I don't know you as well as I want to, but that doesn't mean I don't know you at all. I know enough. I've watched you for years, and I know - I know how I feel about you. I love you, Jason.
[It feels weird, saying the words, after keeping that secret locked away inside his heart for so long - weird but right. Tim couldn't tear his eyes away from Jason now, even if he wanted to, and he doesn't. Slowly, gently, Tim traces his thumb over Jason's cheekbone.]
You're more than an idea to me, Jason. You always have been.
no subject
Jason's eyes only dared crack after Tim spoke the dreaded words... as much as he craved them, he felt like they were a curse. Lifting his hand over he pressed his finger against Tim's lips once he finished.]
Don't say that again... Don't use words like that lightly, words have power. Wait and see before you speak.
[ He spoke, his eyes almost burning and he hated it. He hated it so much.]
We can try, Tim, thats the best I can offer...
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Jason ... I'm serious as a heart attack. Do you really think I'd just say that? [He shakes his head.] I've seen all I need to know how I feel about you.
[If he's not fought, Tim will move in closer to Jason, aiming to pull him into a hug, holding tight. Maybe words aren't enough - maybe what Jason will need to believe Tim is to be shown the strength of his conviction.]
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It's OK - we can go slower. [Maybe Tim was pushing too hard, too fast - too eager to grab ahold of this thing he's wanted for so long.] Hey, why don't you order some breakfast for us? We can eat, maybe go back to sleep for a bit longer.
no subject
Don't tell anyone about this, got it?
[ He wouldn't be himself without threats. ]
Yeah, I'll go do that.
[ He let go and moved to go over and order breakfast for them.]
no subject
[He likes that, the idea of being entrusted with Jason’s secrets, especially when it’s something like this. Tim’s reluctant to let Jason go, but uses the necessary parting as an opportunity to slip to the bathroom, returning a few moments later with a gentle hand at Jason’s shoulder to silently announce himself. There’s no worse idea than sneaking up behind Jason - that’s a good way to get an elbow to the face.]
I’ll have to phone the concierge next, see if they can send up a sewing kit.
[It’s murmured into the side of Jason’s neck, followed with a kiss.]